On Love (Part 11, Final Chapter) - Ajahn Jayasāro
In our practice, once we have contemplated the drawbacks of conditional love and the beauty and nobility of the unconditioned mind, then we will have courage and faith in the value of our own development. We can begin to examine our love for the people closest to US to discover the conditions that we put upon it, and seek to reduce them. We reflect on our intention to give and on what we want and feel we need frorn outside ourselves. As we reduce our expectations and demands from others, then on the occasions that they say and do things that make US happy, we feel those experiences to have an especially wonderful flavour.
The quality of metta which is perhaps the most difficult for lay Buddhists to develop is universality. Personal love by definition lacks universality. It is bound up with bias and boundaries, and although they can be much reduced they are unlikely to disappear altogether. One reason Buddhist monastics practice celibacy is to prevent personal love from obstructing the flow of metta in their hearts. For householders, although opening up one’s love is difficult, gradual improvement is still possible. We must be vigilant and with mindfulness oversee the heart so as not to give too much weight to thoughts of us and them, inner circle and outer circle, near and far. We should reflect on the reality that all living beings are our companions in the cycle of birth, old age, illness, and death. We should try to treat all others with equal respect, consideration, and goodwill. This is another way of purifying love.
Love that is born of ignorance and contains defilements tends to lead to a bittersweet life in which pleasure and pain seem hopelessly entangled. In contrast, metta arises from abandoning the concern for self and from perseverance in relinquishing defilements. Metta is a part of the Eightfold Path that leads to liberation. It is a virtue that is always present in the mind of enlightened beings. To follow in their footsteps we should thus seek to recognize and abandon jealousy, envy, vengefulness and other defilements that make our love a heavy burden.
Although we want others to be happy, sometimes we can’t help them; they have their own kamma to work through. In this case, if we don’t reflect on the law of kamma we can suffer a lot. The task of wisdom here is to constantly remind US of the way things are so that we don’t get carried away by kindness. Equanimity, the neutral, unbiased state which arises from wisdom, is a place to rest our mind when we are unable to help our loved ones achieve happiness. We learn to do what we can and then let go. In addition, wisdom also has an important role in devising skilful means to help others be happy. Good intentions are usually insufficient by themselves. We need to be sensitive to factors such as the personality of the one we are seeking to help, the appropriateness of time and place, and the most effective way to communicate.
Another role of wisdom and equanimity is to prevent metta from leading US to act unethically out of good intentions. The end does not justify the means. If we help someone to escape the consequences of their unskilful actions, they will definitely be happy about it. But in the long run, we may be harming them by undermining their sense of responsibility and restraint. In helping someone out of kindness, we may create a bad example for others. Wisdom is our compass in complex matters. We must remember at the very least that bad kamma is created by the specific intention to act or speak in unwholesome ways—say, to he—not by the initial overall intention which may be praiseworthy—say, to help someone.
One who is able to give such a pure love consistently is one who is happy internally, who knows how to give love and to forgive oneself. Giving metta to oneself is a significant source of internal happiness. The way to begin to do this is by thinking of the virtues that we most desire such as peacefulness and the absence of anger, about how good and beautiful and impressive they are, and then to speak silently in our own heart: May I be happy" May I be peaceful and calm. May I be without stress. May I be free of depression and worry. May I experience joy and contentment. Experiment to find the wording that gives the best result, an inner calm and exultation.
By saying “May I” it isn’t that we are requesting this from anyone. It is more a confirmation to ourselves about our spiritual goals. In addition to fortifying our determination, these words serve to remind US if the way we live our daily life is compatible with our desired virtues. In this way it acts as a form of mindfulness or recollection. Whenever we do, say or think something that conflicts with these virtues, the recollection of these good wishes to ourselves that we routinely practice will give US pause. When jealousy and vengefulness arise, we will feel, hey wait a minute, what I’m thinking now is directly opposite to what I aspired to this morning. The power of aspiration increases our awareness in daily life.
In our meditation periods, when we have spread metta to ourselves until we feel a sense of fullness and joy, we may dispense with the words and focus on the feeling of metta as a foundation for samadhi and deeper insight into the way things are. Or we may choose to follow the metta practice further by spreading thoughts of metta to others. The important principle here is to start from what is easy, e.g., wishing metta to someone of the same sex whom we respect, then pass through immediate family members, relatives and friends to those beings we have no strong feelings for, and then finally to people we dislike or who are enemies to US. Do not rush. Pace yourself with the state of your mind, not a clock or a calendar.
Another method for spreading metta is to use a mantra in conjunction with the breath. A one-syllable word such as “joy” can be used for each inhalation and exhalation, or a two- syllable word such as “happy” can be split into “hap” on the inhalation and “py” on the exhalation. Mentally reciting the word helps sustain the attention on its meaning. Breathing in, think of happiness spreading into every part of your body and mind. Breathing out, think of happiness spreading to all living things, think of yourself as a light emanating brightness in every direction.
Finally, may all of US learn and understand love: What kind of love is defiled? What kind of love is pure? What kind of love makes US weak? What kind of love makes US strong? What kind of love gives only a second of happiness? What kind of love gives long-term happiness? And what kind of love enables US to give happiness to others without conditions? After determining the path, keep practicing it. Never mind if you stumble at first. Practicing the Dhamma in order to give meaning to life is not so easy, but it’s not impossible either. But ultimately, I hope that you will have to admit that it is unquestionably worth the difficulties. In fact, even if it were many times more difficult than this, it would still be worthwhile.
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