On Love (Part 9) - Ajahn Jayasāro
Ignorance (avijjā) is not knowing, or having wrong knowledge. We lack an accurate, unbiased experience of the reality of life. We assume incorrectly that ultimately we are a self (attā) that feels, thinks, is unhappy or happy, IS permanent and independent, and owns and dictates our life. The corollary of this mistaken view of the way things are is endless and unnecessary craving. Once we’ve been deluded by the idea of self, then our life becomes bound up with how to get or not to get, to have or not to have, to be or not to be.
In the sentence “I love you,” what does “I” refer to? Where is the real “I”? Is “I” the same today as yesterday? How about the “I” of a year ago, five years ago, ten years ago, twenty years ago, is it the same person? Not quite the same person, right? Not quite a different person, either. This is what is so confounding about something that looks at first sight to be the most obvious and solid thing in our life.
The Buddha said that a true and permanent self does not exist. What we are directly experiencing moment by moment is actually attachments to the body and to feelings, perceptions, thoughts and emotions as “me” and “mine,” constantly arising and passing away. The situation is akin to that of an insane person who, believing himself to be a slave, struggles to do everything to make his master comfortable and prosperous, when in reality no such master exists. Why do we want so much? Why are we always so restless? It is because we seek to protect and nourish this imagined self. But “I” and “me” are names we affix to an impermanent, unstable stream of phenomena. Taking a natural process to be a thing, a verb to be a noun, is the root cause of our suffering.
The lack of self (anattā) is a difficult concept to grasp because it goes against the grain of common sense; it must, however, be understood by anyone who wishes to let go of suffering. It IS through the failure to penetrate the truth of anattā that feelings of deficiency, of imperfection, of loneliness, form the backdrop of human life. Such failure is the reason for the extreme longing for love and the reason that the love acquired is prone to impurities. The delusion that there is a self that owns our life, and that is lacking, threatened or isolated, makes US struggle for love and feel that “I have a problem,” when in fact the problem lies in the T’ itself.
At the very least, if we have the courage to look at ourselves and examine our loneliness, fear, worries and various suffering in our heart, then our longings and expectations of others will naturally diminish. We will begin to see that those things are not real. They are only emotions that naturally arise and fall away. People who are selfish because of their tenacious clinging to the sense of “me” and “mine,” and who persist in nurturing these illusions, become increasingly selfish. They tend to think they are smarter than others, when in fact their arrogance bears within it a profound foolishness. The more they search for their personal gain, the more they encounter mistrust, loneliness, anxiety, pride, open fear, and aggression.
The wish for someone to fulfil a missing part of our life places limiting conditions on our relationship. Wanting something from someone, believing that failure to get it will cause US serious pain, inevitably leads to fear and tension. If we gain our object, the fear of separation becomes intense. If we pin our hopes for happiness and security on a particular person, we suffer from the unpredictability of that person and the inevitability of the separation from that person that awaits US in the future. People who do not know themselves and do not accept the reality of nature will suffer a great deal. Loving too much and wanting what others cannot give are painful.
Reflecting on love’s deficiencies isn’t likely to cause people who truly love each other to stop loving or to love any less. What it does is allow love to be governed by a measure of wisdom. The awareness that suffering is the shadow of love helps US accept more readily the nature of life and not expect love to give US what it cannot give. When we view love not only as a desirable part of life but also as something incapable of giving us true and permanent happiness, the importance of spiritual practice should become clear.
Dhammapractice is training ourselves to be intelligent: intelligent in preventing defilements that have not yet arisen from arising, intelligent in dealing with defilements that have already arisen, intelligent in creating wholesome qualities that are not yet arisen, intelligent in sustaining and perfecting wholesome qualities that have already been developed. For this reason Dhamma practice is not restricted to certain times and places. In one form or another, it is always possible right here and right now.
Those untrained in the Dhamma tend to be prey to misunderstandings, confusion, and self-contradiction about life, especially in the case of the two things that ought to be the most important subjects of our studies: happiness and suffering. For the most part, our education systems are of little help. By emphasizing the kind of knowledge that can be tested, and by being focused primarily on preparing children for future careers, they neglect the development of wisdom. As a result, we have an epidemic of ignorance and confusion as to how to live a wholesome life. However highly educated we may be, if we are unable to detect the rise and fall of mental states we will always endure unnecessary suffering. We will always miss out on certain kinds of happiness that are the birthright of those with good enough kamma to have been born human beings.
The Buddha wanted US to see clearly that all things in life are impermanent and uncertain, that they flourish and decay according to causes and conditions. Wholesome things can decay and unwholesome things can be purified. It IS wise to guard against what would diminish a wholesome relationship or, if such relationship is already decaying, to promptly arrest the cause of such decay. It is important to develop ourselves to the extent that we have the capacity to do that. We need to open our eyes and ears to the reality of nature, to accept impermanence and uncertainty, and to lead our love increasingly toward the path of lovingkindness (mettā).
In summary, to live wisely in this world involves learning and understanding the nature of love and contemplating its disadvantages as well as its advantages. The Dhamma teaches US to abandon cravings which are the cause of the suffering and the harm that accompany mundane love. We should aim to be one who neither suffers from love nor causes suffering for others on its account. We should purify our love so that it takes on more and more the qualities of mettā. Learning from experience leads US to the truth of things. When we see the way things are, the love that is fuelled by ignorance and craving will diminish or disappear altogether. The love based on wisdom, understanding, and the desires that spring from them will persist and mature.
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