On Love (Part 7) - Ajahn Jayasāro
Craving or tanka is the ringleader of the defilements. We crave to get, to possess, to have or to be, not to have or not to be. Defilements occur sometimes because of love, sometimes in spite of love, and whenever they occur, suffering follows. We tend not to see defilements as negative states that can and should be abandoned. Or if we do recognize an undeniably negative trait then we may often justify it as part of who we are. Or perhaps we just feel guilty and tell ourselves were bad. It is for reasons such as these that defilements are so resilient. But when we are aware of their danger, we will know that apart from spiritual training there is no way to fix things. There is no choice; we must control the dark kamma.
The goal of right practice is to open our eyes and ears to the nature of our actions, words, and thought. Learning to see the things that contaminate our lives with impurities, we develop our conduct, emotions and wisdom faculty simultaneously in order to escape from all problems.
Sex is a natural part of romantic love. Sexual desire or need is considered a defilement in the Buddhist teaching because it is a hindrance to the development of inner peace and wisdom. In transcending attachment to body and mind an enlightened being transcends sexuality. But for a householder, intelligent governance of the sexual drive rather than abstinence is the standard. The Buddha recognized that few people are interested in liberation from sexual desire and so he emphasized conduct that does not cause harm to self or others.
The third of the five precepts (sila) for lay Buddhists requires refraining from adultery and abusive and coercive sexual conduct. The inner restraint that he urged means not becoming infatuated with sex, not becoming its slave, not letting sex become the main focus of married life.
A couple’s appetite for sex may differ in intensity. Its role in a relationship may not be agreed upon. Having sex can mean different things to different people: one person may see it as the supreme expression of intimacy, the other as an unnecessary adjunct to it. The pleasure sex affords can be undermined when people become exhausted through stress and overwork.
Sex can easily become a cause of quarrels, frustration, disappointment, and aversion. Furthermore, excessive sexual desires can easily lead to infidelity, destroying domestic peace and trust. A couple who once loved each other deeply may never want to see each other’s face again. Divorce can be harsh and is often emotionally devastating. If the couple has any children, divorce is likely to adversely affect their long-term happiness and mental health.
Defilements have their own logic. Those who break the third precept (against sexual misconduct) usually have reasons they find compelling.
Men like to cite their natural instincts as an excuse. For women it tends to be love. Neither side accepts responsibility for its own behaviour. Instead, they claim that it was their body’s desire or their love, rather than they themselves, that was responsible. While it is true that human beings routinely face physical or emotional temptation, we need to be clear that the violation of precepts takes place for no other reason than the desire to do so.
If our morality only persists in the absence of defilement, then it’s not morality at all. The essence of the Buddhist education of conduct is the cultivation of the intention to refrain, and that is developed most crucially in the presence of the desire to indulge. Precepts are designed to be a boundary that protects US from unwholesome actions and their consequences.
Training to develop patience and restraint, using precepts as a grounding for mindfulness, is the way to avoid unwholesome actions and remain safe.
Marriage and stable relationship prosper when we make the commitment to our partner not to seek sexual pleasure elsewhere. Such a commitment requires US to be willing to sacrifice physical pleasure for the sake of fidelity, and order to enjoy the sense of well-being that comes with being an honest and loyal partner. It is good to feel the wholesome pride and self¬respect that arises when we can skilfully govern our actions.
Furthermore, by keeping precepts and caring for the quality of our actions, we create the foundation for achieving the joy of concentration (samadhi), which is incomparably superior to sexual pleasure.
Even if we are happily married it is unlikely we will find ourselves completely immune to the charms of at least some members of the opposite sex. But whereas we cannot prevent a flash of feeling, we can prevent ourselves from doing or saying anything to add fuel to such feeling. We can avoid engaging in private conversations, phone calls, email, etc., with the person we like.
We can refrain from encouraging that person to think or do the wrong thing. Most important of all, we can refrain from taking pleasure in such feeling, from allowing the delight in our minds to stimulate mental proliferations. Indulgence in fantasies is not an innocent distraction; imagination can plant seeds in our mind that result in overpowering discontent and unwise action.
Honest and patient people who shrink from unwholesome deeds, who have an intelligent fear of their consequences, look at lust as fire burning their hearts.
People who value rightness can conquer their hearts if they truly wish to. When the feeling has passed away, we gain the insight that as compelling as the feeling was, it was just that, just a feeling. No more, no less.
Defilement tends to be a complex matter. Middle-aged men with younger mistresses are often not just indulging in the physical pleasures of sex, but reacting to a barely conscious fear of death. In middle-age, deterioration of our body begins to manifest, and with it the uncomfortable realization that old age and death are real and are really going to happen to US.
To me! For sure! That’s a dreadful thought for most people, and those who have never examined their minds in any systematic way can experience a sudden sense of hollowness and rage. Sex is the age-old response: “I’m not finished yet, not by a long chalk. I’m virile, I’m attractive. I’m important to someone.
How could I die?” Very easily, would be the Buddhist response, but even the most rational of people are prone to this kind of magical thinking. Times of war reveal stark evidence of the relationship between the preoccupation with sex and the fear of dying.
Sensual pleasures may console US, they may conceal or help US forget some reality of life for a while, but they also harm US by weakening the resilience of the heart and mind. When we get used to seeking this easiest and quickest escape route from emotional problems, our wisdom faculty starts to atrophy Finally, in old age, we can find ourselves physically unable to enjoy the sensory world in the same way as before, but with no alternative sources of meaning and happiness.
In the Dhammapada, the Buddha described a person in such a state as: “pining away like an old heron at the edge of a fishless pond.”
The most reliable guarantee of security from defilements is to understand our emotions and know how to manage them. The violation of the precept to refrain from sexual misconduct has many causes. We should seek to discover these causes and train ourselves to deal with them wisely.
We need to comprehend such things as the conditioned nature of sexual obsession, the desire for new things to spice up our routine lives, the excitement of keeping a secret, the desire to be someone’s special person, and the pleasure in doing what we know to be wrong. Understanding the causes we seek to let them go. What we cannot yet relinquish, we must patiently restrain.
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