On Love (Part 8) - Ajahn Jayasāro
Love can lessen our selfishness. The happiness of our loved one might seem more important than, or at least as important as, our own happiness. The shift of perspective away from self-absorption is beautiful to see. But, overall, the protection against suffering that love provides is superficial, and if the consolations of love make US forget our capacity for liberation then we are in danger of wasting a precious human birth.
Untreated defilements in our minds are always ready to cause distress. Initially, for instance, it may be easy to forgive and let go of grudges against our loved ones. But after a while as familiarity and complacency increase, we show negative emotions more readily. We suppress our anger at co-workers for fear of professional repercussions, then we bring the lingering anger home and take out our stress on our spouse, treating our loved one as an emotional garbage can.
So many issues can cause difficulties in relationships. Disagreements over sensual and sexual needs are compounded by arguments caused by pride, and by differing views over status and responsibilities, finances, child¬rearing practice, and where and with whom to spend free time. We may get angry at another precisely because we love each other. We can’t just shake our heads and walk away. So then what should we do? Wise reflection helps a lot. We can consider, for instance, how our partner is a teacher to whom we owe much gratitude. We can remind ourselves of the things that we have learnt in the relationship. Even in challenging times, our partner is helping US to see our defilements. And if we don’t see defilements how will we ever be free of them? It’s certainly painful when a loved one presses our buttons, but if they didn’t get behind our defences, we might be negligent and stuck with our blind spots for much longer. Thank them for that (at least in your mind). Even if we’re totally miserable at the moment, we can reflect that only by engaging in spiritual cultivation can we hope to be free of the mental suffering that arises in the course of a relationship.
There are different levels of love. The lowest grade of love is that which is dependent on the other person’s giving US something we want. It is a love conditioned by such coarse rewards as the receiving of sexual pleasure, wealth, position, social recognition or fame from the other person. If love is dependent on such things it is unsustainable. In fact it’s hardly worth the name of love at all; it is more of a business transaction.
A slightly more refined way in which conditions are placed upon love is when they are used as a tool to get our own way. Husbands, wives, children, grandchildren, or even parents, can use love as a weapon. They may say things like “If you really love me, you’ll do this for me,” or “If you don’t do this then it means you don’t really love me.” It’s what we call emotional blackmail. So what to do if we encounter this tactic? Sage advice is to separate the issues: insist that we still love them, but that to US, loving and feeling gratitude for someone is not the same thing as following their wishes in every matter. Once we have made this clear, then we must prepare to resist the power of tears, the power of harsh words, the power of upset faces, the power of pleading, and so on. Difficult as this may be, it’s worth enduring. Otherwise this pattern of manipulation can become a family tradition, making it extremely difficult to sort out the confusion among love, needs and desires, rights and obligations.
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